Go Ahead: Mess With Texas

I lived in Texas for 20 years, so I do know Texas.

Texans to this day hold a grudge about getting their ass whupped in the Civil War.

Texans gave us George W. Bush, the assassination of John Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, and Ross Perot.

Texans believe the Dallas Cowboys are “God’s Team,” even while Michael Irvin shoves a loaded gun into a stripper’s crotch, and his teammates run their own private “White House” for adulterous sexcapades.

Some Texans, to this day, talk about seceding from the “Union.” Jesus Christ … why don’t we let them? Has this state done anything but damage to the United States? Let them go back to Mexico, and the sooner, the better.

Anderson Cooper

This boy is a fool.

It’s bad enough that his resume includes hosting The Mole, but he seems to be too immature to handle the high-stakes ratings battle CNN has thrown him into.

This guy, seemingly intelligent, is CNN’s post-Aaron Brown answer to the Bill O’Reilly/Sean Hannity juggernaut on Fox. He is CNN’s political “star power” in the summer of 2008, a time that brings us — Obamaville, Iraqville, Mortgage-Crisisville ….

So what do I see the “golden boy” doing on CNN? Emulating Richard Dreyfuss in Jaws, babbling in a shark tank somewhere in the Caribbean. Dodging an errant elephant’s trunk somewhere in Africa. All for the sake of “A Planet in Peril.” All I can think is … the horny boy is trying to score macho points with the hotties he works with, like Erica Hill.

His timeslot on CNN demands someone who is more serious, especially this year, tackling Obama, McCain, O’Reilly, Rove, and all of the other talking headcases. He should NOT be on a one-man crusade to reinvigorate Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, just to make Erica’s panties wet.

He is embarrassing.

Bring back Aaron (the lip-smacker) Brown. Please.

Bush

Everything should be so simple. So why isn’t it?

I keep reading letters to the editor from defensive conservatives, all of them angrily demanding that liberals and Democrats stop bashing Bush and company: “Just get over it!”

Uh … no.

Message to the defensive conservatives: You will be hammered about Bush until the day you die, and your children will be hammered after you pass on, and their children as well. And if you think this is just going to go away … get over it! Tough shit, assholes. You reap what you sew.

Similarly, I don’t understand why the Democrats in general and Obama specifically are having such a tough time of this. They have everything — and I mean everything — going in their favor this election cycle. They have a war-criminal, brain-dead “president,” an evil, sick-fuck vice-president, a corrupt administration … and all of this is factually documented!

And yet, the Democrats are such weak, spineless campaigners, that they cannot seem to take advantage of this enormous advantage.

Solution? Do not make this election about Obama versus McCain. No no no no no. Too many people think an out-of-touch old coot should be president simply because he was a Vietnamese P.O.W. 40 years ago, and too many of them are afraid of that “guy-who-might-be-a-Muslim.”

Nah. Go for the gravy, because the gravy is there. Attack Bush, and do not let up. Connect McCain to Bush (easily done) and go after Bush, Bush, Bush. This jackass has provided more ammunition than anyone outside of 1944 Hitler, and he is still in office.

Attack his ass (and therefore, McCain’s), because he is a neverending source of bad news. God knows, if Obama wins, the defensive conservatives will blame him in the next four years for everything that goes wrong in this country. So the only intelligent thing to do is what they plan to do to Obama: attack Bush, right now, for everything that is wrong right now. So, so much ammunition.

No brainer.

“Staycation” my ass

I hate trendy shit.

I think it started years ago, back when, somehow or other, the “Macarena” grasped its putrid claws around American culture. People found it amusing. People can suck.

Please, please, do NOT utter the following expression in my presence: “Back in the day.” If you are over 40, do not call me “dude.” “I-Reporter” — give me a break. An “I-Reporter” is some schmuck in pajamas with an Internet connection and opinions. Just like me, in other words.

Which brings me to my current pet peeve, the “staycation.” God help me, I am on one.

Not because I can’t afford the gas to drive to Duluth, but because my suck-ass health demands it. Here is my typical day, at least for the last week — wake up to a migraine, pop two Isometh/Apap/Dichlor capsules … wait five minutes or 38 minutes (it is always five minutes or 38 minutes; I have no idea why) … feel better. Four hours later, repeat. Four hours after that, repeat. Repeat the next day. And the next.

Thus, my “staycation,” in which I cannot bear to be more than 30 seconds away from the refuge of my bed. All this seclusion has given me time to A) channel Jimmy Stewart from Rear Window, creepily observing my neighbors out the sliding-glass patio door; and B) wonder why all of my (few) blog referrals seem to come from the same place: stuffblackpeoplehate.com.

My neighbors seem to be mostly unemployed. Why are so damned many of them at home on Tuesday mornings and Wednesday afternoons? Are they all on Uncle Sam’s dole? How do I get in on that gig?

They are mostly boring; none of the women seem to undress at night in front of their bedroom windows, and none of the men seem to be Raymond Burr, quietly puffing a fag in the dark whilst contemplating their dead wives in a trunk in the hall.

One couple and one couple only is mildly intriguing. The “dude” looks about 55, wears grimy shorts and Hawaiian shirts over his considerable beer gut … and always walks a good five paces ahead of his (I assume) wife. The “wife” is short, Asian, looks to be about 35, and is partial to tight-fitting spandex shorts, micro-miniskirts, or skin-hugging blue jeans. She is hot. He is not.

Is she some sort of mail-order bride? Is he a Vietnam vet and she his take-home booty? What’s wrong with this picture? What is a hottie like her doing with Ernest Borgnine, trailing behind him like the emperor’s valet? I don’t get it.

She needs to dump him and come have sex with me. Make my headaches go away. Then he can discover us in bed together, don his Raymond Burr glasses, and attempt to throw me over the balcony railing. Except I live on the first floor.

Wonder what they’d think of this over at stuffblackpeoplehate.com ….

Bad News, Good News

The bad news: Jesse Ventura says he is not going to run for the senate. Jesse is an egotist and a bit of a bully, but he is also a breath of fresh air. If there is anyone in America who could potentially embody a 2008 version of “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,” it’s him. And that’s because of his thick skin combined with intellect. Yes … I did … say … “intellect.” He has it. He’s not particularly articulate, but he is savvy and his heart is in the right place. But he’s not running, and that’s a shame for all of us.

Because of Jesse’s massive ego, I wouldn’t trust him as president. But I do think he would be an absolute delight as a senator. I wouldn’t give a damn if he accomplished nothing; it would be worth it, just to hear him skewer the powers-that-be on the evening news.

Alas, it’s not to be. And that’s a real shame.

The good news? North by Northwest is on TCM right now, so fuck this blog, I’m watching it for the umpteenth time ….

I Know …

I know … a glamorous “power couple” where I work. I know the husband slept with their 16-year-old babysitter, and I know the wife has a weakness for cocaine …

I know … a formerly fat girl “tramp” at work, who made the mistake of sleeping with an idiot who told everyone about their photographed, anal-related romps. This girl has lost 75 pounds, married, and is rapidly becoming the most well-adjusted person I know.

I know … a millionairess who buys $2,000 pairs of shoes the way you and I buy loaves of bread, without batting an eyelash. And I know she’s been unhappy in her marriage for years, and that she is commonly referred to by her husband (in front of anyone nearby) as a “cunt.”

I know … a “nice guy” at work who gets along with most of his female coworkers famously … and then secures hookers and surfs porn every night at home.

That last one might be Yours Truly.

Do any of us truly know anyone?

Bill O’Reilly?

Hell has frozen over. Pigs are flying overhead …

I’ve always thought, that of all the right-wing nutcases on Fox, that Bill O’Reilly was the one talking head who periodically actually made sense. And tonight …

Maybe I’m drunk, but I could swear I just heard O’Reilly … ATTACKING BIG OIL COMPANIES!

And, to add to my orgasm, he was ATTACKING CORPORATE CEOS who make obscene amounts of money!

Mr. Bill even brought up the FRENCH REVOLUTION, in which the peons finally rise up!

OK, ok. I must have smoked something bad. This could not possibly be true. Could it?

Interracial Sex

One of the most prickliest of subjects … is “prickliest” a word?

Probably not as prickly for younger people as it is for my generation, but why such a big deal, you ask?

It’s about power. Malcolm X, in his famous autobiography, revealed that for many black men, it was a status symbol to bang white women (look it up, I don’t make this shit up). These black men didn’t give a shit about the white women, they just wanted that prestigious notch on their bedposts.

So how does Joe Whiteguy react? In a number of ways. Some of them react in fury, ala the Ku Klux Klan. Some of them find it erotic; check out Susan George’s sex scene with boxing champ Ken Norton in 1975’s Mandingo. That movie turned me on, and I’ll wager I’m not alone.

Where does that leave us now? Easy. If the black dude/white babe seem to be together for legitimate reasons … cool. If, on the other hand, the black dude is simply bonking blonde for power reasons (which seemed to be the case with this older, black music honcho, on a recent episode of Celebrity Family Feud, in which his blonde-bimbo, big-titted wife was obviously a trophy) … that ain’t good.

Have you seen the Hillary-Barack sex tape?