Fucking Your Brain

I notice, as I age, that I get pickier and pickier about the women I find attractive. Twenty years ago, if some slut in a bar threw herself at me, I’d have no problem … going home alone and thinking I should have banged her.

Well, sometimes I did bring her home.

But now I’m choosier. I wonder, can I actually have a conversation with this chick? Will she respect the fact that I get cluster migraines, and that when I do, she can be a Jessica Alba dead-ringer, strip stark naked, pole dance around my dining room table … and I won’t give a shit? Because my head is exploding with pain? And I don’t mean THAT head.

So I can kind of empathize with middle-aged women who find themselves single: They have finally reached an age where they actually have a bit of wisdom, and they now use sound judgment when it comes to men, but …

They discover there aren’t very many men interested in them anymore, because they are middle-aged women, and what they’ve gained in wisdom they’ve lost in looks.

I suppose that, as a man, I’m lucky because although I’ve aged, I haven’t gone bald (yet) and I haven’t become obese (yet), but I find I am still screwed, in a sense, because women are just as shallow as men — just in a different sense. At my age, women think, I should be more wealthy. That’s pretty much the same as my thinking, “at her age, she should have taken better care of her body.”

So … we are all fucked.

Biggie Speechie

Obama’s been speaking for about 35 minutes now (he’s still speaking), and I’m a bit underwhelmed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still voting for the dude, but I do believe two mighty forces were at work against this “rock star” speech: hype, and speech fatigue.

Obama had one helluva lineup batting before him, in his wife, the Clintons, Teddy K. and Joe Biden. It’s as if, in the World Series, game seven inning nine, Phil Rizzuto and Yogi Berra hit home runs to put the Yanks up by four … and then it’s Mantle’s turn to bat. He can hit a dinger, but we’re already emotionally exhausted from cheering on Phil and Yogi.

The speech was good, but uninspiring.

That’s the bad news. The good news? Now it’s McCain’s turn to bumble and stumble his way through the spotlight.

A Good Sign

Watching the Dems convention tonight, and then Fox’s coverage …

O’Reilly lost it, which can only be good news for liberals. Balding sexual-harasser started screaming at the camera about Fox’s ratings dominance, something he usually refrains from doing. Started begging guest Dennis Miller to rescue him ….

If he feels bad, maybe there’s a young female Fox intern he can call up ….

Biden

Just two words — brilliant choice.

The “Mother” Olympics and Untenable “Sacrifice”

Two drunken rants:

Remember Mark Spitz? I didn’t think so. You’re not old enough, and he did not have a movie career. But he won seven swimming golds back in the ’70s and was featured on the cover of Time. Or Newsweek. Who cares. My point is, he vanished into obscurity, because there is no National Swimmers League with sexy cheerleaders and John Madden commenting on network TV.

Now we have this ugly dude Phelps. Phelps is breaking Spitz’s records and everyone is wetting their pants over him. Fine. Good for him. What bothers me is this emphasis on his fat mother. I don’t seem to care that this boring woman used to suckle Phelps, or that she cries every time he dons his Speedo. The networks have gone nuts in their pursuit of “human interest” angles for every 19-year-old in this Olympics, and the result has been the mother of all mother Olympics.

I have nothing against mothers. I actually had one. But I don’t tune in to the Olympics to watch some schmaltzy video about Phelps’s mother. Or anybody’s mother. I tune in to see who wins. Apparently I am in the minority on this. Apparently millions of viewers can’t wait to see a segment on some boring, middle-class American boy and his mother.

Why don’t the networks just eliminate the Phelps’s of the world, put their mothers in Speedos, and televise them on the diving board? At least that would be logical.

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Obama and McCain are on cable TV being grilled by some fat pastor. It’s bad enough that we’ve decided a pastor should have so much political clout, but at least one good point has emerged: Both candidates have said that Americans should be willing to sacrifice for the greater good.

Here’s a thought … why not lower the speed limit to 55, or at least 65? Why not make SUVs and minivans illegal to manufacture? Oh … I forgot … that would be a “hardship” on Americans. Phil Gramm might be a first-class dick, but in this respect he was correct in calling America a “nation of whiners.”

Somehow, looking back at the 1940s and seeing the food rations and women working in factories and other real sacrifices, lowering the speed limit and junking gas-guzzling vehicles hardly seems like a “sacrifice.”

John Edwards

Loosen up, assholes.

Imagine that you are a very good-looking, very rich, very powerful male. You have gorgeous women throwing themselves at you every day. You A) fuck up, if you’re a politician, or B) bang them and get idolized, if you’re a rock star, movie star, or sports star. You get “wink winks” on TMZ.

Well, you say, but Edwards is supposed to be better than that. We expect more from him.

Fuck that. History is full of “heroes” guilty of much worse than Edwards. Christopher Columbus was a slave-owning/pedophile-encouraging/mass-murderer … yet we still have a holiday named for him!

Bill Clinton gave this country eight of the best years it’s had in recent history … yet he “shared cigars” with Monica Lewinsky so he gets reviled.

Countless presidents were “getting some on the side,” and many of them are considered great, and yet, here in the “enlightened” year of 2008, we are turning to our great spiritual advisors … the Puritans. Let’s just pretend the Puritans weren’t into slavery, themselves. Nahh … let’s investigate every sexual peccadillo and listen to the fucking Republicans.

America … you want a good a leader, or do you want John Boy Walton? You can’t have both. OK … maybe … just maybe we did once, with a fellow named Lincoln. But that’s the exception proving the rule.

The Gay Olympics

Ever wonder why women’s beach volleyball, which wasn’t even an Olympic sport until recent years, gets so much prime-time coverage? It’s because NBC wants more male viewers. That blonde/brunette duo in the skimpy bikini bottoms lures a demographic most of the Olympics can’t attract. And why is that? Don’t men love sports?

Yes and no.

The Summer Olympics, as compared to traditional “male” venues such as the NBA, NFL, NHL, and baseball, are very, very “gay.” (Sorry, Steve McGaw, if you still check this shit out, but it’s true.)

How is that, you say? OK, kids, let me explain …

1) Most traditional “male” sports are team-oriented. (I know, I know; you could argue that the male lockerroom/slap-his-ass-with-a-towel scenario is also gay, but that’s another blog.) The point is, guys don’t picture Brett Favre alone in a room, admiring his own biceps in the mirror (although he might, and probably does). We picture him out on the field, kicking Chicago with his teammates. On the other hand, it is very easy to picture Genero from Italy, preparing for his gymnastics debut, or his figure skating debut, doing just that. The Olympics foster individual “show-offs,” and that’s anathema to the red-blooded American male concept of team sports.

2) Even if we can get past concept number one, the announcers are always there to remind us how gay many Olympic competitions are. Think Dick Button. Think Greg Louganis. Here we are, all ready to celebrate some male gymnast or swimmer, and then the lispy-voiced Louganis or some other Richard Simmons soundalike is explaining the triple-axel to us on TV. Shudder.

3) All of this is very confusing, because in American society, the exact opposite is occurring. Females are taking over the workplace, empowered with their “team-oriented” approach to business. Girl power and female “networking.” Yet in the Olympics, women dig individualism. Weird.

Positivity

It occurs to me that my entries here have been overwhelmingly negative. But I am an inveterate optimist, so here are a few (with apologies to Julie Andrews) of my favorite things …

1) America. Because even though I find countless things to criticize, this country allows me to do so.

2) The Minnesota Twins. Despite a curmudgeon owner (Carl Pohlad) who makes The Grinch, Mr. Burns, and Scrooge look like Hanna Montana, these boys play like they actually enjoy it, and make their small-market team fan favorites in opposing stadiums throughout the American League.

3) George Will. He plays for the bad guys — conservatives — but he frequently seems like the only “grownup” in political discourse. Plus, he likes baseball.

4) Porn stars. They supply an insatiable demand, while enduring social scorn (and hypocrisy) for doing so.

5) Astrologers, UFO enthusiasts, ghost hunters, and any other fringe group that has the guts to voice opinions that are laughed at by society in general. Because, if people are honest, I think most of them wonder … well … maybe?

6) Young people. Because I feel sorry for them. Despite your computer games, iPods, iPhones, and tattoos … we’ve left you a poorer world. You don’t deserve that.

7) White guys like me. We’ve been set up as the fall guys for all of the world’s ills by feminists, people-of-color, other minorities, etcetera. What these aggrieved groups don’t seem to realize is that their grievance has never been about “Joe Six-Pack,” because he’s always had very little power. Their real grievance should be against “people in power.” In other words, if there is any kind of warfare, it should be class warfare, in which case, “Joe Sixpack” is on your side, not the other side.

China, India, Brazil, etcetera. I feel sorry for them. Their countries are finally creating a middle class that can actually afford a family automobile … and now the world is telling them that global warming is out of control and they should not drive, because there are too many of them, billions. In other words, the U.S. and Europe screwed up, and now these emerging countries must share the consequences.

9) Sarah Seifert. Because she’s a hot chick at work who I can never have. Married with children, and all of that jazz …

10) Anyone in the media or real life who attacks the upper class, because these assholes have had it sweet forever, could have defused problems, and did not. Off with their heads. Class Warfare is a GOOD term.

Black Athletes

Twenty-some years ago, two old white guys were unceremoniously ousted from their careers for … speaking the truth.

Right now, I’m watching the Olympics, women’s volleyball between Cuba and the U.S.A., and eighty percent of the starters are black. Jimmy the Greek of CBS and Al Campanis of the Dodgers, if they are still alive, could only nod their heads and think, “I told you so.”

Both men were vilified for suggesting that blacks are physically more gifted than whites, at least athletically. They both watched their careers implode for daring to say publicly what many thought privately.

Since then, medical scientists have proven those old fogies correct.

Just another reason to hate political correctness.

Contrariness

I love being a contrarian … although it definitely has social costs ….

People are afraid of you. They don’t trust you (rightfully so). They think you are nuts (nah, just resolving childhood issues).

My argument is that this country would be Holland (sorry, Holland; I had to pick some country) without contrarians. The contrarians keep everyone else honest. The contrarians might be wrong on any given issue, but at least they make others think. Things I am contrarian about:

The American Dream. Fuck all these idiots who think they need two kids and a house to achieve the American Dream. Most of these people are idiots, and they have sacrificed everything interesting about themselves (their souls) to be able to brag about the suburban house with the picket fence and two obnoxious brats.

(Do I sound bitter? Probably. Does that make me wrong? Of course not.)

France. Americans find it cool to make fun of France, but I have no clue why. Granted, we helped save the French ass in World War II, but that doesn’t give us some endless hold over them. The French were among the first to object to Georgie Bush’s Iraq war … and they were right.

Baby Boomers and the 1960s. Technically, I am a Baby Boomer … but just barely. Baby Boomers are so full of themselves over civil rights, Vietnam, free love … but I have a feeling that if mankind survives the next 100 years, the Baby Boomers will be seen as the single greatest threat to survival on this planet, what with their selfishness, destruction of the environment, deterioration of family values, etcetera. Not that the so-called “Greatest Generation” was without flaws, but compared to their spoiled children ….

Feminists. Congratulations! You’ve succeeded in one major accomplishment — now everyone knows that women are just as big assholes as men. Bring on the reverse-discrimination lawsuits!

Obama. I’m already sick of this self-righteous prick. I’ll still vote for him, because the alternative is unthinkable, but this precious little boy needs a swift kick to the gonads.

Americans. If there is one issue that makes me hate/disrespect Americans, it’s their narrow-minded, holier-than-thou condemnation of smokers. Like the man said, “First they came for the Jews, and I said nothing ….”